Chapter Text
Dirk Strider had just woken up, and damn he was tired.
He yawned, rubbed his eyes, and stretched—in his eyes it was really pathetic of him to do something so weak.
He instantly stopped, pretending he never did that. What was he, some sort of Disney princess or something?
Suddenly, Dirk got up and out of bed. He groggily stumbled into the bathroom.
Dave wasn’t home that week because he was over at John’s house for the month. Dirk would have the house all for himself for his puppet film antics and such.
He would open the bathroom door and take a fine nice piss after sleeping for twelve hours. Afterwards, he didn’t wash his hands. Who would see, Cal?
He zipped his pants back up and left the bathroom.
He wasn’t so sure what to do, and he wasn’t quite hungry for breakfast yet, so he decided to go out for a walk.
He walked towards his apartment door, opened it and stepped out. Dirk went down the stairs to leave the apartment complex, and was now outside.
It was a wonderful breeze, not a cloud in the bright blue beautiful sky. It almost reminded him of how even though he was plentiful in charisma, no girls ever wanted to date him. Was it because of his weird pornographic puppet hobby? There was absolutely nothing wrong with it.
Many people were outside, the city was bustling with people getting to work, walking their dogs, and going places. Dirk almost didn’t understand how people could leave the house so much, he more preferred a shut-in like lifestyle.
He decided that he would go to a nearby coffee shop to grab a cup of coffee. Obviously, the quickest way would be by an alleyway, he had no time to loose, the most had to be made of his free month without Dave to care for.
As soon as he went into the alleyway, he felt a strong punch on his forehead, and he blacked out.
***
Dirk woke up with a pounding headache. He went to put his hand on his head out of pain, but he soon realized that he was tied by the waist to an uncomfortable wooden chair.
Today was just a day full of him being utterly pathetic. The Bro Strider getting kidnapped? Unheard of.
He knew it wasn’t worth it to struggle, and he didn’t want to add to his list of completely embarrassing things he had done that day.
After looking around, he noticed that he was in a dark basement without a single window in sight. The only light source was a crappy flickering lightbulb right above his head that made his ears ring.
He could feel his vision getting blurry once again, and he sure as hell didn’t feel good. A couple minutes later, he had passed out.
***
Dirk jumped awake to the sound of “Dop dop dop.” It scared him quite a lot, and he didn’t know what it was.
Dirk blinked, adjusting to the light. Once he could finally see clearly, he saw the horrifying sight of a toilet with the head of a man in it.
It stared at him as if it expected something from it. Itz little beady eyes fixed on him.
“Dop dop I’ve been watching you, I’m so excited to properly meat you.” The toilet exclaimed.
“What the fuck do you want?” Dirk yelled, he would have already beat that damn toilet up if it weren’t for the fact that he was tied up.
“Dop dop my name is skibidi toilet but you don’t have to tell me yours, because I already know everything about you, Dirk Strider. I love watching you sleep and even I have a camera in your bathroom!! I’ve even switched your toilet with me before.” Skibidi toilet was practically hopping around, he loved Dirk, even though he would never be loved back.
“What is wrong with you? I’d break your toilet self if it weren’t for me being tied up!!” Dirk threatened, balling his fists as much as possible to convey dominance.
“Dop dop I know you love me Dirk I know you love me so much I love you Dirk you don’t know that you love me back yet…” Skibdi toilet started to tear up.
“Dop dop you can’t be with anyone else but me, I’d kill for you…” He added, glaring at Dirk menacingly.
Dirk couldn’t see himself returning thr feelings anytime soon. Maybe he could use this to his advantage, to find a way to escape.
“I’ll date you if you let me go, but only if you let me go.” Dirk said sternly. Now he would just have to keep his word, and date someone he didn’t even like. Surely, the relationship wouldn’t last long. Skibidi’s obsession would probably have an end sometime soon, hopefully.
“Dop dop really?” The toilet’s eyes widened, as if he was surprised.
“Really.” Dirk confirmed.
“Dop dop you better not be lying, I can mess you up if you don’t stay loyal. Remember, I’m always watching you.” Skibidi nearly gritted his teeth in warning.
Dirk sighed and then continued to speak again, “Yes, I understand.” He sounded completely truthful.
Skibidi Toilet untied Dirk from the chair and scooted extremely close to him.
“Dop dop oh Dirk, how I love you. I can’t believe we are finally dating after all these years.” He whispered.
Dirk could barely fathom it, he was dating a fucking toilet. He didn’t want to know what would happen if he disagreed, and he wanted to go back to being able to live an at least somewhat ‘normal’ life. Though, it wouldn’t be the same knowing his every move was being watched.
“I love you too…” Dirk hesitantly mumbled as he moved onto the floor and wrapped his legs around the base of the ceramic toilet.
“Dop dop Dirk, may I come to your house?” Skibidi toilet practically begged.
“Dop dop it’ll be our first date.” He added
“Fine.. sure.” Dirk said as he tried to hide his nerves, what the fuck has he gotten into? Why did this have to happen to him of all people in the world?
***
The two of them were at Dirk’s apartment now. It was rather difficult having to take the least populated way home because of the fact he didn’t want to be questioned to the fact why he was being followed by a toilet with a man’s head in it.
It didn’t help that Skibidi Toilet scooted and hopped on the ground because he didn’t have any legs—which made the walk even slower. Dirk almost considered carrying him, but he knew that the dumb fucking toilet would probably like that a little too much.
“Welcome to my apartment.” Dirk welcomed.
“Dop dop It’s really nice seeing the place in a room that isn’t the bathroom.” Skibidi toilet immediately hopped in front of Dirk. It was extremely awkward because of their height difference. The toilet was only up to Dirk’s legs, so he could barely make any first moves.
Dirk absolutely hated this, but he knew he had to go with it.
He leaned down and gave Skibidi Toilet a big, sloppy, hesitant kiss. He got tons more into it than he’d like and wrapped his arms around the Skibidi Toilet’s neck to make himself even closer to the toilet.
Their tongues wrapped around each other and then Dirk shoved his tongue into Skibidi’s throat, which caused him to let out a little “dop dop” in surprise.
Dirk didn’t want to accept how into the kiss he got, but it could’ve been a normal hate thing, like hate kissing. He had no attraction towards the thing.
Dirk pulled away from the kiss and stared at Skibidi toilet’s lovestruck face. Fuck, what did he just do?
He moved his arms away from the toilet’s neck and got up. Afterwards, he went into his room with shame, Skibidi followed after him. Part of him almost wished that he didn’t, that he could finally be alone. He would have a hard time adjusting to this new life, it was obvious.